One year…

This has been a long month. I haven’t been doing great and it’s all been culminating into this week.

It’s the one year anniversary since I had sepsis and borderline kidney failure. I almost died and left my kids without a mother. And this happened bc people did not listen to me when I said I was sick. My ex, my therapists, my doctors, my bosses— two people in my life believed me and everyone else told me to just keep pushing. I lost weight. I was working full time doped to the gills (by prescription and not abusing it either, just a fuckton of meds to make me functional). My bloodwork seemed fine! Then come thedaily fevers. I’m throwing up. I’m losing more weight and not eating or drinking bc I am a pre k teacher by day and wrecked by ptsd in my own home by night. I lost my voice for 3 weeks. Then I started blacking out…I went to urgent care and they tested me and sent me home with meds but a doctor called later and told me I was septic and needed to get to the ER immediately. I was scared to ask my ex for a ride bc he was out at his weekly game night and I didn’t want to interrupt. But I looked up sepsis, saw 1 in 5 people died, remembered my dad, and contemplated an ambulance before realizing scaring my kids was not acceptable in comparison to pissing off my ex. The ER rushed me by ambulance into emergency surgery across the city to save my kidney and my life. I spent the next week in the ICU then getting my medication mismanaged and my care neglected by staff. I lost more weight in the hospital. I have a scar on my arm now from repeated IVs getting improperly placed. I didn’t sleep and cried and threw up all day long. I begged to be discharged and left early so I could try to take better care of myself at home.

That was all extremely traumatizing for me.

I have lacked serious support in my home for a while. I’ve severely struggled with cptsd ocd and audhd. My kids dad and I aren’t together anymore and haven’t been since 2021, but we are working on being better people and co parents. My relationship has been antagonistic to my health and I’m sure visa versa. Emotional abuse and neglect has left me severely fucking wrecked with complex PTSD, compounded on childhood abuse.

I can’t work full time ever again without severely impacting my health, even now with SW I can only film maybe once or twice a month. Every time I get sick I’m at risk for re-infection and every infection is a threat for the rest of my life. I live with a person who deeply resents me and my illness and yet wants to control me and every aspect of my life bc of money and ableism. Yes we are working on things but often at the expense of my mental health.

I am exhausted and honestly not sure how I’m going to keep things up. This isn’t me quitting or anything, but I’m just not okay. I know most people aren’t right now, and we’re all just doing our best to survive.

I started sex work for two reasons. One because I’ve always been interested in it but was held back bc of Catholic shame and controlling people in my life. Two, because I was told I didnt deserve future spousal support bc I didn’t contribute enough to the house or the family being a disabled stay at home parent to two disabled children. Even though that’s been technically apologized for, I can no longer trust the idea that other people will help take care of me. I still am not on disability but I am trying. I am rebuilding a support network and finding truly wonderful people who love me. I am building up a part time business through sex work and I hope to go back to school in September. I plan to start working on my book series The Emerald Formula, again. But I don’t know what’s sustainable anymore. I don’t know if I can keep up with school. I don’t know if I can hustle enough for sex work to be profitable. I don’t know if I’m good enough to be a professional, published author. I don’t know if I’ll survive the next four years.

So be kind to each other. Work on healing yourself so you stop projecting your trauma and pain on other people, expecting them to silence your wounds. Stop being afraid to be vulnerable with others and accept that others need to be vulnerable to. Life is uncomfortable we have to stop pretending it’s not.

This week I might be a little quieter in responding to direct communication unless you’re one of the 6 people I actually speak to outside of social media. Don’t be afraid to reach out, just please understand I’m not in the best place to respond. I might be trapped working on things but stick together, eh?